"Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart."
Jose N. Harris
I should know by now that if I start digging through memories, I’ll always find something that hurts me.
When will I learn to let it alone?
It’s been almost five years since the last time we spoke.
Nothing makes me sadder.
"Enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the facade of pretense. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true."
Adyashanti (via robynmq)
Today I had my first full-fledged migraine.
Holy MOLY do I have newfound respect for regular migraine-sufferers. I’ve had a few headaches that bordered on migraines, but never anything like this before.
I spent around six hours (I slept fitfully through a lot of it, luckily) suffering through pounding waves of nausea, head pain that had me rolling back and forth in bed, and a low-grade fever.
It’s not uncommon for me to wake up early with pretty severe sinus headaches, which is what I thought this was initially, particularly since the pain was strongest across my forehead and around my nose and eyes. However, when I got up to pop some ibuprofen, figuring OTC pain relievers, a glass of water, and another hour of sleep would clear things up, I found myself off-balance and mildly disoriented. I vaguely remember trying to tell The Boy what was happening, but speaking and thinking seemed like things I’d forgotten how to do. I managed to communicate that I was having a massive headache, and that’s all I can remember about our conversation.
Then I stumbled to the bathroom for ibuprofen and to brush my teeth. That’s when I discovered that my hand-eye coordination was totally shot. I kept knocking over bottles and toothbrushes, and the muscles in my hands seemed to take a couple seconds to respond. Slightly terrified, I managed to swallow some pain relievers and collapsed back into bed.
The next two hours passed in an almost delirious haze of half-asleep and feverish dreams. My pillow felt burning hot thirty seconds after I flipped it, and every position was uncomfortable and painful. I clenched my stomach muscles and willed myself not to vomit bile. Eventually, sweet sleep took hold, and I slept deeply until nearly 2:00 p.m.—what a great use of a day off.
Even after the migraine ended, I felt weak and lightheaded for several hours. Today was my errands day, and it took me an hour of laying in bed to feel stable enough to try sitting, then another hour before I felt up for slow-moving, cart-leaning, grocery shopping. Bad headaches have always had what I call a hangover effect—and I don’t mean the kind from too much drinking. They seem to linger for a day or so after they end, leaving my head sensitive and feeling like it could plunge back into the headache at any moment. I’m terrified of waking up in the morning back in the same state.
I’ve thought all day about what could have triggered this. My only guess is some combination of stress (a lot of BIG changes are coming in my very near future), weather changes (it was POURING rain and storming all morning), and typical sinus pressure. Praying that the stars don’t ever align in a way that allows this to happen again.
"The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make you unloveable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around — and that’s okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren’t all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness."
Daniell Koepke (via internal-acceptance-movement)